Happy Easter, all! Remember that bloke, Roald Dahl who wrote those weird, weird stories that you probably loved as a child? I do and I also remember enjoying these crazy fever dreams put to paper so it gave me a pang of nostalgia when I saw Easter Eggs in the theme of these crazy tales.
I think there was a BFG one and probably a Charlie goes to the Chocolate manufacturing plant one, I can’t remember, because my favourite has always been James and the Giant Peach. Because it had awesome giant insects in it.
If you can’t remember the story, I am not surprised, because although it was extremely entertaining, it makes no sense in the sphere of existence in which we normally dwell. It is like a half remembered dream. I guess children’s imagination fills in gaps.
.
So there’s this boy called James and his parents are killed by a rhinoceros, so his aunts take him in, but he is treated like shit. So an old man gives him some green shit that is supposed to make his life more exciting and Jimmy spills it on a peach tree and a giant peach grows and his aunts make money off peach tourism. Then James finds a tunnel in the peach and meets some giant insects and they cut the peach out of the tree and it rolls over his aunts and kills them and it gets stuck so they chain up 501 seagulls to fly the peach away and they meet some cloud demons and then they fly to New York and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.
Weighing in at 130g this is some thicc peach, and I couldn’t wait to meet my new friends waiting for me inside, so the first thing I did was open this egg/peach and…
Nothing.
No giant insects at all, in lolly form or otherwise. Splendifico my ass.
.
Determined to enjoy the, rather expensive, treat. I wiped away tears of loneliness and dug in. The front of the egg was thicker with a layer of white chocolate and that shit was dried crystallized peach btw – it was amazingly delicious, but it was only like two bites and the rest of the egg was only your run of the mill average chocolate. Fine, but it ain’t a party of giant insects…
I miss Miss Spider – 5.5/10